ADHD Symptoms in Women Over 40

Jackie: Someone could be listening and saying, I feel distracted. I’m constantly scattered. I have this stress and those things. But I do not have ADHD. I’ve never been diagnosed. Do you think a woman we talk to women here specifically has to have that diagnosis in order to benefit from the conversation we are about to have?

Kristen: Absolutely not.

Jackie: This is the Grown-Ass Woman’s Guide. I’m Jackie MacDougall. If you can run a team meeting, know the lyrics to every 80s song ever written and solve a crisis before lunch, but you can’t find your keys or remember why you walked into the room. Welcome. You’re my people. When I was in my 20s, I bought a house in California all by myself. Pretty grown ass, right? But my utilities were turned off. Not because I couldn’t afford it, because I just didn’t get around to paying the bill. It wasn’t until I was in my late 30s and the mother of three small children that I was diagnosed with ADHD.

And when I started talking about it, I realized how many women were in the same boat. In this three part series we are diving into distractibility, impulsivity and challenges with working memory.

The symptoms that are often mistaken as menopause, anxiety, burnout or just overwhelm with the chaos of life. You’ll hear from ADHD coach and host of I have ADHD podcast Kristin Carter as we explore how ADHD actually shows up in women.

Before we get started, hit, follow, subscribe and turn on those YouTube notifications. Let’s get into the conversation with Kristen. When she couldn’t find the resources she needed, she did what any grown ass woman would do. She built it.

How did we get here, Kristen? How did we become the ADHD guru? Tell me a little bit about your story.

Kristen: It was very much out of necessity, I would say. I around like 2014. I was looking for resources for adults with ADHD. At the time I owned a tutoring company and I was researching ADHD for my clients for the kids that I was working with. I kept attracting all of these people with ADHD. I was so confused, like why? Why do all of these people with ADHD come to me? And I knew I had ADHD. I was diagnosed at the time. I was one of the lucky few, few, few lucky women to be DIA at age 21. Right now the median age for female diagnosis is 38. So I got a very early diagnosis, relatively speaking. And so I didn’t know that I had ADHD, but all I knew was that a stimulant was really helpful to me personally and that I struggled to focus.

I didn’t know that it was so all encompassing. And so as I was researching it for my students, I was like, oh, my gosh, why aren’t people talking about this? And I went looking for podcasts that talked about ADHD. And at the time, there were two total. Now there’s, like, so many, but at the time, there were so few. And every couple months, I would go back and I would look for another podcast, and there just wasn’t one that really resonated with me. And finally, after probably a year and a half of frustration, I heard that internal voice, you know, that whisper that’s also like a scream into the void, like, why aren’t you doing this? And that’s kind of what started it. So my kids were in school. My youngest was in preschool at the time. And while he was in preschool, at my kitchen table, I just started talking about all of the things that I was learning because I felt like there were at the time, there were a lot of resources out there for children with ADHD. There were even resources for parents who had children with ADHD, but nobody that I could find was a voice that was speaking directly to adults with ADHD. And so that’s when I started my podcast. I think I dropped the first episode into the darkness of the night, the safety of, like, the COVID of the night. And I told no, there was no launch plan. I didn’t tell a soul other than my husband. And I just, like, put it out there.

Jackie: Which is very non ADHD. Like, typically we announce everything before and then burn out before it actually happened. It’s so true.

Kristen: It’s so true. I think, that it felt so vulnerable. And again, at the time, it’s 2018, podcasts were not as popular at the time, and it just felt so vulnerable. And I just kind of hoped that no one would listen, but at the same time, hoped that maybe a couple people would. And it just grew very organically. And so since then, I’ve been able to interview, you know, just the most impactful people in the ADHD community, the authors of all of the books that are sitting and collecting dust on ADHD or shelves. Like, I’ve had the opportunity to speak to all of them, and that’s been just so transformative. And, yeah, that led me to become a coach. I started the podcast thinking, like, maybe someday I’ll do something with this other than podcast, but I have no idea what. And it turns out that I’ve been a coach forever, just coaching people without their consent. Sorry, everyone. Sorry for that.

Jackie: I may relate to that. I’m an emphatic coach whether you want me or not.

Kristen: Yes, that is exactly it. So, you know, eventually, like, got certified and started coaching people with ADHD, and that has just been, like, what a gift. I can’t believe that I get to do that. Like, this is my job. Are you kidding me? It is the most fun I’ve ever had.

Jackie: I love this so much. How many times have we waited until something is perfect before we put it out there in the world? Meanwhile, Kristin uploads the episode in the Dark of Night, and she’s reached millions with her podcast. If you’re looking for permission, even though you don’t need it, here it is. Do the thing. Okay, here’s a question. If everyone gets distracted and everyone forgets things, how do we know when it’s ADHD or when is it just the stress of everyday life?

Kristen: I think that there are a lot of people who struggle with distractibility. Here’s the thing with ADHD, and this is part of what makes it really annoying. No offense to me or anyone else who has it.

The symptoms of ADHD are things that everyone experiences. Everyone struggles to focus. Everyone struggles to emotionally regulate. Everyone struggles with memory. Everyone struggles with distractibility or impulsivity from time to time. So this is the reason why we hear. We’re like, yeah, everybody has ADHD. Like, what are you even talking about? Like, oh, you struggle to focus. Like, same. What? Like, why is this a pathology? Why is this even diagnosable? And what’s interesting is, like, yes, it. ADHD is a spectrum, and it is going to affect people to varying degrees. The difference is somebody with ADHD is really debilitated by their symptoms, and it’s impacting them in many areas of their lives. So it’s not just, like, when I’m really tired, I struggle to focus at work. Like, that’s very normal. And that. That would not necessarily be symptomatic of ADHD. However, are you distracted and impulsive and struggle with memory and emotional regulation and prioritization all day, every day? Except for those, like, unicorn days that we all know, Jackie. We all know those days where you’re like, am I amazing?

Yeah, I almost got so much shit done. Like, I got so much done today. More than I’ve gotten done in the last three years. Yeah, I must be on fired.

Jackie: I’m cured!

Kristen: I’m cured. This is my new life now. And then we wake up the next day, and it’s like, oh, wait, where did that go? So, absolutely, people will benefit from hearing a conversation on what it’s like to have these symptoms and manage these symptoms. I will say though, that owning the fact that we struggle more than most and really accepting the fact that like ADHD is a real thing backed by decades of scientific research and that the treatments for it are actually very useful. And in the words of the great Dr. Russell Barkley, ADHD is the most treatable mental health disorder or condition, if you prefer that word. So for those of us who are in a place where we’re like, okay, I’m not content with my level of functioning and I would like to make some steps moving forward. I think acknowledging, okay, this is, this is maybe worse than I thought it was could be really, really helpful.

Jackie

Yeah. Well, let’s talk about how it manifests in women because I recently did an episode with a doctor and we talked about some of the symptoms in perimenopause or menopause. And it’s like, oh, this looks similar to ADHD. And so, you know, there, I think a lot of people are going through various phases of their lives and there might be like, do I, don’t I? And hopefully we can provide some resources for them to figure that out once and for all. But, but how does it manifest? Like, how does ADHD show up specifically in women? In grown-ass women.

Kristen: In grown-ass women. So there’s a cluster of symptoms that we, and I’m not a doctor, I’m not a medical professional, I do not diagnose, but I am very familiar. And, but I still have them pulled up right in front of me here on my computer because I struggle with working memory. So maybe we could start there because even though this is my life’s work, I talk about it all day, every day, I still panic and think as soon as Jackie asked me this question, my brain is going to go blank. I’m going to have absolutely nothing to say. And so we could start right in that place with working memory. So working memory is not necessarily long term memory, but it is the type of memory, if you think about like a bulletin board where you, you just pin something that’s important that you just need for like the next five, 10 minutes, we don’t have one of those. And so when your partner calls and he’s like, hey, can you pick up milk on the way home? You’re just like, sure, got you, no problem. And then you turn on Alanis Morisette in your car and you’re vibing out, absolutely are going to forget that milk. Right?

So working memory, if we look at like the type of behavior, especially in Women, like, having really good intentions but forgetting to do what we say we’re going to do. Like, really wanting to help someone out and being like, yep, I’ll be there for you. But just forgetting, leaving projects unfinished, getting started on something and not having that internal voice that’s like, this is what I’m working on. This is why I’m working on it. And so we leave a lot of projects that unfinished. Even just, like, not remembering what goals you made or what intentions you set. Like, I really. I even forgot, like, what did I say that I would do this year? I have no idea. Okay, so working memory is a big one.

Impulsivity is probably. Impulsivity and distractibility are, like, the two primary symptoms that clinicians are going to be looking for in someone with ADHD. Impulsivity is tough. It’s real tough. So maybe in high school or in grade school, you were just a chatterbox and you chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, and you just, like, motor mouth, could not keep your mouth shut. That is one way that impulsivity shows up, especially in women. Right. We’re not necessarily like the little boy bouncing around the classroom that you would picture as somebody with ADHD. But, like, did they have to put my desk in the hallway because I could not not talk to my neighbor? Yes, they did. Right. So, like, that type of thing was.

Jackie: I called a social butterfly on my report scorecard, and I thought, wow, she really sees me. I thought it was a compliment. I could not understand what my parents told me. It was not a compliment, but whatever.

Kristen: Right? And let’s be honest, it kind of is a compliment. Yeah, I think it’s great now.

Jackie: Yeah, right. Exactly.

Kristen: But it’s tough because that can look like a lot of impulsive spending a lot of, like, adding to cart on Amazon, making really quick decisions, jumping to conclusions, assuming something about someone that maybe they haven’t seen said or that they, you know, they haven’t really done. We struggle with patience, overreacting, like, reacting too quickly, maybe impulsively starting projects and just, like, getting into it, you know? Like, how many ADHDers have a hobby? Graveyard. I’m gonna be a guitar player. And, like, I’m gonna buy a guitar and then like, oh, no, I’m gonna be an artist. I’m gonna, you know, learn to crochet.

Jackie: And then like, there’s like, a pottery wheel in the middle of the room, you know?

Kristen: Exactly. Exactly.

Jackie: Yeah. After seeing the movie Ghost. Yeah, absolutely. I don’t know exactly. Oh, my gosh.

Kristen: Yeah, absolutely. I don’t know exactly. Oh, my gosh. What a movie.

Jackie: Yeah.

Kristen: Distractibility is the other big one. So it’s not that you can’t pay attention. You’re actually paying attention to too many things. So your brain struggles to regulate your attention. And this actually is a great place for me to say that ADHD is a disorder of self regulation. So we struggle to regulate our attention, our. Our behavior, our emotions. Okay, so those are the three big things that we really struggle to regulate. Our attention, our behavior, our emotions. Meaning that, like, we have attention, but it’s often put on the wrong things or the thing that’s not the priority for the moment. Right. We have big emotions, but we struggle to regulate them and soothe them and use them in productive ways. Struggle with regulating our behavior. And that. That, like, hearkens back to the impulsivity.

So the distractibility and impulsivity are a very, very big one. And distractibility, especially, like you mentioned, women in perimenopause or menopause. That’s tough because all of the sudden, women who maybe have been functioning really well are now noticing that they’re presenting with all of these symptoms. And for the most part, unless the symptoms were present prior to the onset of perimenopause or menopause, it’s likely not ADHD. Right, right. And so, like, I’m sure you talked about hormone replacement therapy and all of the other things that would go into treating, you know, the perimenopause or menopause, those would usually kind of do the trick with these symptoms. Right. But if they’re not solved with those types of therapies, okay, so then maybe we dig a little deeper.

Jackie

Right. Have you noticed, though, there are women who maybe weren’t diagnosed with ADHD? And then perimenopause and menopause is just sort of like, taking what was there and just, you know, took it to a new level. And so I think maybe we can live with it. But once perimenopause hits, we’re like, oh, forget it. I need help with this. So it might be two sides of that coin.

Kristen: That’s absolutely true. And we see that with all kinds of transitions. A big one is the transition into motherhood. So, like, okay, I was able to hold it together as a person who had a job and who had a dog and who had a home. And, like, it was a little rocky behind the scenes, but, like, I was able to manage. And then you put a baby in my hands, and that baby is disregulated. They need me at all hours of the day, and now my whole system is in shock. And what I was able to hold together prior to that is no longer, like, at my fingertips. Right. So that can be the same.

Like when you transition from the structure of high school and college and you go into the workforce and all of a sudden you’re expected to have a lot of work autonomy in your role that wasn’t there prior to that transition. Right. So it can be. Yes, absolutely. You bring up such a good point. Because any of those big transitions can really steal the tools that were previously at our disposal.

Jackie: Absolutely. And I find little things where a woman might forget her purse once and be like, oh, where did I put my purse? Like, I literally have to put my purse a certain place in the car because my husband and I switch cars depending on who’s one’s a hybrid. So whoever’s driving, you know, the furthest, but I have to, like, have a spot right in the door, in the driver’s side door. Otherwise that person’s staying in the car and he’s driving, you know, 30 miles away to work.

Kristen: 100 percent

Jackie: I’m always going to be honest with you. ADHD can be tough. But there are those days where I feel like I am operating on a whole other level and my brain is connecting the dots and seeing the big picture, and I feel a little bit superhuman. So when I heard Kristen say that ADHD is not a superpower, I had questions. Let’s go, Kristen. What do you mean it’s not a superpower?

Kristen: It’s so interesting. This conversation is just really nuanced, so I will start there. And I am never going to steal someone’s confidence in themselves or in their diagnosis and tell someone you’re not allowed to view it as a superpower. I will say that from my perspective, from my perspective, in the thousands of coaching hours that I’ve participated in and in working with students with ADHD, so many. And that was, you know, hundreds, not thousands. But back in the day, when I was working with students with ADHD, there’s so much struggle. There’s just so much struggle that goes into it. I did have a lot of parents come to me and say, how should I talk to my kid about this? Because I don’t want to. I don’t want them to think that they’re less than. I don’t want them to be labeled. And I would say, honey, they’re already labeled. They’re labeled as scattered, as lazy. They’re labeled as not paying attention. They don’t care enough. They’re not motivated. There are already labels on them. So the label of ADHD is actually an explanation that is much more clinical and can take away those other labels that we often inflict on ourselves or other people inflict on us. You know, a teacher’s feedback or a coach’s feedback, you know, soccer practice, like, you’re just standing there, you’re not doing anything, like, what is wrong with you? Those labels can be really, really damaging. And when you, when you say to someone, hey, it’s not your fault, like, there is something going on in your brain. And actually we have resources for you that can make this better. And so you’re lazy, you’re not dumb, you’re not stupid, you’re actually, you’re brilliant. But you do have this one thing that we need to give you support and help with. So from like the standpoint, and listen, some people have been able to just thrive with ADHD without the help of medication. And that is lovely. And to those people, I completely understand why they would say it’s a superpower. But to like the kids that are struggling in an inner city school who don’t have access to diagnosis, who don’t have access to a two parent home, who don’t have access to all of the support that goes into helping someone to thrive, ADHD is just another thing that makes life so much harder. And so I really struggle to, I’m just like, from my perspective, um, and with the people that I coach, it’s so much more validating for us to say, okay, this is a condition that I have and it doesn’t make me better or worse than anyone else. It’s just a thing. And the way that I choose to support it and, and help myself with it is going to determine how successful I’m going to be able to be.

Jackie: Yeah. So you’re really sort of like neutralizing it, trying to then instead of like making it this like big thing on this side where it’s like you can’t live with it. And, and also it’s not some superpower, it just is. And so these are the coping mechanisms, these are the treatments, and we’re going to get into what some of those might look like. But yeah, I get that.

I just, for me, sometimes if, you know, podcasting, I’ll get distracted 500 times during an episode, but also I’ll hear something that maybe I didn’t plan that will trigger another thought that will, that’s where the magic comes in because my brain is going, you know what I mean? And so I think a lot of people, and I’ve been told this by people who don’t have ADHD.

Like, I love the way your brain works because there’s so many steps happening, and it can be distracting and difficult, and sometimes I’ll get angry with somebody before they’ve, like, you talked about, like, the other day, I was like, I can’t believe they said that in the text. And then I read the text, and I was like, they didn’t say that at all, girl. Take it down a notch and, like, breathe and read the text. Yeah.

And, you know, so there are definitely challenges and that idea that I. I see this, like, horizon of opportunity and. And ways we could go, and it’s challenging because I married somebody with ADHD and autism. Oh, wow.

And I have children with a variety of ADHD and autism, and it’s. It’s something.

Kristen Oh, my goodness. And what I would say to that is, I just don’t want to give ADHD credit for the good things about me, so I want to take credit for it. And I would encourage you to do the same. Your brain’s creative. Awesome. That’s on you, Jackie. Like, you’re amazing. Right? You might have a kid who’s so creative, thinks outside the box, but I don’t want to say, like, oh, your ADHD makes you so xyz. I want to say, you’re amazing. Your brain’s awesome. I love you. Look at all the good things about you. So I just refuse to give ADHD credit for the good things about me. That’s just where I’m at with it, where it’s like, I do see certain things, but then there’s also people with ADHD who are not creative. They struggle with black and white thinking. Yes, there’s a creativity piece for some of us, but I. I want to give you the credit for that. Not necessarily the label of ADHD, the diagnosis.

Jackie: That makes perfect sense. Yeah, I like that. This episode is meant to spark curiosity, not diagnose anyone. That’s what a licensed professional is for. But if something in this episode hits close to home for you, you are not alone. I asked Kristen how it goes when she meets someone who insists they do not have ADHD, but then they go and list every single classic symptom. What surprises you?

Like, do you meet women, you know, people who listen to your podcast or in your everyday life, and they’re like, well, I don’t have ADHD, but I this, and I this, and I this. And you’re like, I can’t diagnose you, girl, but you may want to look into that. Like, do you see that a lot?

Kristen: I do. I do. And I really try to stay in my lane because, like you said, I’m. Even if I were a doctor, it wouldn’t be my place. Right. But to have relationships with people. I’m thinking of one person in particular. Gosh, I just adore her. And I just keep thinking, okay, like, I. I really think that a lot of her frustrations could be solved with a diagnosis and some treatment. And I’ll mention it once. That’s it. I’ll just mention it once. If they’re interested and they want to chat about it, great. And if not, it’s totally fine. I, for my own peace, need to make sure that, like, my happiness isn’t dependent on whether or not somebody else knows about themselves. Right. I just have to be like, everybody gets to have their own path, I think, is what I’m trying to say. So just allowing people to make their own choices and have their own path. I think the hardest thing for me is when other moms talk about their kids in a really negative way. And it’s very obvious to me that there are likely, perhaps maybe some neurodivergencies happening. And that’s when I’m a little more vocal because we’re talking about kids. And so that’s when I’ll say a little bit more like, oh, I noticed that in my own ADHD kids. I’m curious if that resonates with you. Yeah, I don’t know. I’m a little more protective of the kids.

Jackie: Yeah, absolutely. I just remember one of my kids, sixth grade, and the teacher calling me in and saying we were taking a test. And I walked by 10 minutes later, and he hadn’t even started his test, and da, da, da, da. And it was like, very short, shameful in front of him. And she. She said, and it happens a lot now. But I was like, that should have happened once, because now, you know, he’s a kid who doesn’t start a test right away. So why wouldn’t you just walk that way? Like, don’t tell me that every single time this happens when, like, I get it, teach, like, don’t come for me. I don’t want. I don’t want your emails. I was raised by a teacher. My best friend’s a teacher. I have so much respect for teachers. But, you know, coming at him with this shame and not offering any sort of support, that’s a problem, you know?

Kristen: Agreed. I fully agree. And I love that you stood up for him.

Jackie: Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I’m told you I’m from Boston

Kristen:  Awesome. I love that.

Jackie: If you learn one thing from this episode, it’s this. You are not lazy. You are not failing. You are enough and not too much. Your brain may work differently and that deserves support, not shame.

Please hit, subscribe or follow wherever you’re watching or listening to this so more grown ass women can find the show and it really supports the work that we’re doing. If you have a friend who’s always losing her keys or forgetting appointments or just feels like she can’t keep up, send her this. It could make all the difference. And remember, this is only part one in our three part series with Kristin.

Coming up, we talk about ADHD medication, who’s a good candidate and who should stay away from it, and how to tell the difference between ADHD and its cousins, anxiety and depression. I’m Jackie MacDougall and this is the Grown-Ass Woman’s Guide. Until next time, you are a grown-ass woman, act accordingly.