ADHD or Anxiety? How to Tell the Difference (And Why It Matters)

So… is it ADHD or anxiety?

Here’s the truth: ADHD can look a lot like anxiety. And for a lot of women, ADHD causes anxiety.

Think about it. You forgot your purse. Again. You missed something somebody said and now you’re too embarrassed to ask them to repeat it. You overspent. You overcommitted. You said yes to something on Monday that sounded great but now it’s Friday and you’d rather stick needles in your eyes than go.

That constant low-level panic? That shame spiral? That feeling like you’re always about to drop the ball? That’s not anxiety causing chaos. That’s chaos causing anxiety.

And here’s where it gets tricky: a lot of women are being misdiagnosed with anxiety when the root cause is actually ADHD.

As Kristen put it: “If you are being treated for anxiety and you are still majorly struggling, it’s probably not the whole picture.”

Many women who were treated for the underlying ADHD no longer needed anxiety or depression medication. Because once they addressed the root cause, the symptoms resolved.

That doesn’t mean everyone with ADHD has anxiety. Or that everyone with anxiety has ADHD. But it does mean the two are often connected—and figuring out which one you’re actually dealing with matters.

The “too much and not enough” paradox

One of the most powerful things Kristen said in our conversation was this:

“I’m always just too much, and I’m also not enough at the same time. And I don’t know how that’s possible, but that was my life.”

I had to sit with that for a minute. Because that statement was my life for almost four decades.

When you’re navigating the world with untreated ADHD, you spend every day trying to keep it together while feeling like you’re teetering on a tightrope. You’re too loud, too impulsive, too forgetful, too sensitive. And somehow also not organized enough, not focused enough, not reliable enough.

It’s exhausting. And of course it creates anxiety.

But when you finally get an accurate diagnosis? When you can say, “Okay, I’m just a human and I’m a good person and I have ADHD”? Everything you hated about yourself suddenly has a context. It doesn’t excuse the behavior. But it does explain it.

And that makes all the difference.

Shame: the thing no one talks about enough

If there’s one thing that runs through every conversation about ADHD, it’s shame.

Shame about your messy car. Shame about forgetting your best friend’s birthday. Shame about yelling at your kids impulsively. Shame about the fact that everyone else seems to have it together and you’re just… not.

And here’s what shame does: it makes you hide.

It makes you avoid. It makes you procrastinate. It makes you think you’re the only one struggling.

But you’re not.

As Kristen said: “We think we’re the only ones who don’t have it together. We’re not the only ones. We’re not the only ones.”

Unraveling that shame is critical. And it often requires community—whether that’s a group of friends, group therapy, or a coaching program where you can bring these things to light and realize you’re not alone.

Because shame lives in the darkness. And the moment you start talking about it? It loses its power.

Phone addiction, social media, and self-medicating

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room: phone addiction.

If you find yourself glued to your phone, scrolling Instagram reels or TikTok videos for hours, you’re not alone. And no, you don’t necessarily have ADHD just because you do that.

But here’s the question Kristen asks: What’s the net outcome?

Is it the cozy fun hour at the end of the day where you’ve done all your things and you’re just relaxing in your PJs? Or is it the self-numbing feeling of “I can’t put my phone down because if I do, I’m going to have to engage with my real life”?

There’s a big difference between those two scenarios.

If you’re using social media to avoid your real life—if you put the phone down and feel like you just lost eight hours and don’t know where your kids are—that’s self-medicating.

And self-medicating shows up in a lot of ways for people with ADHD: overeating, over-drinking, over-spending, over-scrolling. The “overs.”

If that sounds familiar, it might be worth asking: Would I rather just medicate than self-medicate?

Because treating the root cause—whether that’s ADHD, anxiety, or something else—can help you break the cycle.

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Working with your brain, not against it

One of the most practical parts of our conversation was when I shared some of my personal coping strategies—and Kristen validated every single one.

Productive procrastination (or “procrastivity”)

I have a list of tasks—folding laundry, preparing for taxes, organizing my desk—that I don’t really want to do. But when I have a work deadline and I’m feeling overwhelmed, those tasks become my favorite things to do.

Turns out there’s a clinical term for this: procrastivity. Dr. Russell Ramsey coined it in his book Rethinking Adult ADHD. It’s the merging of procrastination and productivity—you’re procrastinating on the most important thing, but you’re being productive on the lesser important things.

And you know what? That’s okay. Moving my body—even if it’s just folding laundry—helps me come back to the work and get it done.

Following the energy

I know when I feel my best. For me, it’s after my coffee and after my workout in the morning. So if there are things I don’t want to do or that are hard to do, that’s when I schedule them.

Kristen approved 100%.

Alarms, calendars, and communication

My family calendar is everything. It’s color-coded. And here’s the rule in our house: if it’s not on the calendar, you have not communicated.

We share cars. We all have our stuff. And if it’s not on the calendar, it doesn’t exist.

This saves me from so much stress. And it teaches everyone in my family that communication isn’t just verbal—it’s creating systems that work for everyone.

The most important tip: ebb and flow with your capacity

If you take nothing else from this conversation, take this:

Your capacity is not 100% every single day.

As Kristen explained: “My productivity goes by the clock, not by what I’ve accomplished.”

When 4 o’clock hits, work is done. It doesn’t matter if she didn’t finish everything. If it was a lower capacity day, that just is what it is. She’s not going to borrow from tomorrow’s capacity by forcing herself to overwork.

This is the opposite of the burnout cycle—where you have a wave of motivation, go so hard, overwork, and then have nothing left for the next three days.

Instead, Kristen allows her days to ebb and flow. And that’s how she stays consistent without burning out.

One more thing: don’t cheat on your dreams with one-night-stand ideas

I asked Kristen how she’s stayed focused on her ADHD coaching work for so many years without blowing up her life and starting something different.

Her answer? “I don’t cheat on my dreams with one-night-stand ideas.”

She knows how good she has it. She knows her purpose. And while good ideas come across her path all the time, she says no to everything that doesn’t align with that purpose.

Until there’s an epiphany and a very clear transition, she’s staying the course.

That’s grown-ass wisdom right there.

The bottom line

Whether you have ADHD or not, you are not broken.

You don’t need fixing. What you need is understanding, compassion, and support to help you work with your unique brain.

If this series has helped you feel more seen, less ashamed, and just a little bit more grown-ass in how you take care of yourself? Yes. That was the point.

You’re not behind.
You’re not failing.
You’re just learning how to work with your brain—like a grown-ass woman.

Want to go deeper with Kristen Carder?
Check out her podcast I Have ADHD and follow her on Instagram.

And if this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who needs to hear it. You never know whose life you might change.

Complete Transcript

Jackie MacDougall: And you know, you mentioned the cousin or the sister or the stepsister or whoever it is. Anxiety. Anxiety manifests for a lot of people in a very similar way. You know, again, I’m not an expert, but it can look like ADHD. How do you know the difference?

Kristen Carder: Well, that’s the clinician’s job to know. Right? The clinician’s job is to really get to the bottom of that. The problem is that a lot of clinicians are misdiagnosing, especially women with anxiety, when actually the root cause is ADHD. And that can be really tricky.

Jackie MacDougall: Welcome back to the Grown Ass Woman’s Guide. I’m Jackie McDougall. That question, is it ADHD or anxiety? Comes up a lot, especially when women are constantly being told we put too much on our plate, we’re stressed or overwhelmed, or we’re doing too much. In this final episode of this series, Kristen Carter and I dive into what ADHD looks like when it overlaps with anxiety, shame, overstimulation, and the pressure to keep it all together. Do not mistake this episode for medical advice. It is about understanding yourself better, asking better questions, and finding support that fits your life. Let’s keep going.

Kristen Carder: And I don’t necessarily fault them because I know enough to know that it is really hard to tease apart. But I would say that if you are being treated for anxiety and you are still majorly struggling, it’s probably not the whole picture. And a lot of women who were misdiagnosed with anxiety and or depression, who were then treated for the true underlying cause, which was ADHD, no longer needed the anxiety medication or the depression medication because those issues were solved by treating the root cause of ADHD. So I think this goes back to make sure that you are working with a clinician who listens to you, who understands you, who sees you, who doesn’t dismiss you if you go to them and you say, listen, I think that there is more here. Can we look at ADHD as a possible issue? And they’re like, oh my gosh, everybody’s ADHD. I don’t know why TikTok is making everybody come and talk about ADHD. And it’s like, go find somebody else. Don’t give them your money. Don’t give anybody who treats you that way your money. Right. So make sure. And again, it doesn’t mean that you necessarily have ADHD, but at least work with someone who is listening to you and giving you the space that you need to express what’s going on.

Jackie MacDougall: Absolutely. And I have found that ADHD can lead to anxiety because you, you know, you forgot your purse, you missed something somebody said, and you’re embarrassed and you don’t want to say, can you repeat that? Or, you know, a variety of other reasons. Overspending, as you were talking about before, or overeating. I’ve seen recently that can be connected to ADHD. I mean, there’s so much. And so it creates this shame. I mean, it really. I feel like. And you could speak to it better, but stems from shame.

Kristen Carder: Yes. Yes. And, you know, think about navigating the world with untreated ADHD. I mean, you did it for how long? Almost four decades.

Jackie MacDougall: Yep.

Kristen Carder: That’s a long time. Trying to keep it together and always feeling like you are just teetering on this tightrope of just too much and not enough. I’m always just too much, and I’m also not enough at the same time. And I don’t know how that’s possible, but that was my life. Right. It is just like, I need to.

Jackie MacDougall: Sit with that for a second because that I had. No statement has been ever more accurate than that. Yes.

Kristen Carder: So that, of course, is anxiety inducing. And of course, again, the messages that you receive when you don’t have an accurate label are often very shameful messages. Right. But when you have that accurate label of, okay, I’m just a human and I’m a good person and I have ADHD and I can fit pretty much everything that I hate about myself into that umbrella. I’m constantly late. I’m constantly interrupting. I’ve never remembered my best friend’s birthday. I yell at my kids impulsively, like, not that I’m excused for any of that behavior. I’m not. It’s something that I’m constantly working on, spending money on, spending my time on. Right. But at least it’s given. It’s put in the label that it deserves, that it where it belongs, instead of, you’re just whatever, fill in the blank. You should be embarrassed. You’re not enough. You’re too much. You’re too sensitive. You’re too talkative, you’re too impulsive. It’s just like, ugh.

Jackie MacDougall: Yes. So, you know, we talk about online and TikTok, and I mean, it’s just like, we’re never bored anymore or we don’t have to be. I personally had to take Facebook and Threads, those two. I don’t have TikTok anymore. Like, I just took them off my phone because it’s like, I’ll be watching TV just automatically. It’s. It’s it’s too much. But I’m not alone. And I think there are a lot of people who are not diagnosed ADHD who also struggle with this. So how do you know the difference there? And like, you know, do you have a tip for people who find themselves glued to their phones all the time?

Kristen Carder: I think that we can feel it in our bodies when we know we’ve had too much. There’s a big difference between the Cozy Fun Hour on. For me. It’s Instagram reels that I just scroll. It’s the end of the day and I’ve done all my things and I’m in my cozy PJs and my bra is long gone. Right. It’s just like no bra anymore.

Jackie MacDougall: Well, that’s the second I get in the house, so I don’t know. You’re lucky I have one on now. Right.

Kristen Carder: Okay. There’s a big difference between that and the self medicating, self numbing feeling of I can’t put my phone down because if I do, I’m gonna have to engage with my real life. And my real life is hard and I don’t really know what to do with it. So I’m just using social media as a self numbing. And I think the difference there is often either the net outcome. Am I getting a net positive or a net negative? When I put my phone down, am I just like, oh, it was fun. Okay, let’s move on? Or am I like, shit, I just lost eight hours of my life and I don’t know where my kids are and I don’t. Like, we haven’t eaten in seven days. Like, I don’t know what is happening in life. Right. There is a big difference there. So I think, like, it sounds like you’ve set healthy limits for yourself and that’s awesome. I use this little thing called a brick.

Jackie MacDougall: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ve been looking into that.

Kristen Carder: I love using the brick because it is a limit that I impose on myself. And I think it’s really healthy. I tell my kids all the time, like, I set limits for you so that you will know how to set limits for yourself when you’re an adult. And but for like those of us who struggle with limits and with over consumption. Right. So a lot of us with ADHD have these kind of addictive personalities and so we’re in need of something. And so I again, I want to say this could be an indicator that you’re self medicating. Like, would you rather just medicate than self medicate? Right. Because self medicating looks like overeating. Over porning, over alcohol. Like, yeah, over drinking. I’m like, why can’t I think of words?

Jackie MacDougall: Over alcoholing, over alcohol.

Kristen Carder: I mean, these are, these are all things like that that we struggle with. And so like over social media use, like over, over, over, over. When it, when it is too much, we have to look to what’s the need here that I’m meeting with my phone that I’m not meeting with like a healthy tool? Like, what is a healthier tool that I can use here to meet this need?

Jackie MacDougall: Yeah, amazing. Whether you have it or not, there’s so much coming at you that there’s so much shame. Like, I’m not doing it. And so do you find that with a lot of women like that shame, right. Of I’m the only one not doing this. And what would you say to someone listening who, who feels that way?

Kristen Carder: Oh, honey, yes, yes, yes. And a thousand times more. Yes. That shame for women is so pervasive. And I think that we feel like we are carrying around a dumpster fire. Like, if people only knew. People only knew. Like, like, yeah, I’m thriving at work, but if they only knew what it took for me to do this, or if they only knew what my home life was like, or if they only knew what my, my car looked like. I remember being so embarrassed about just like my car was always so disgusting, like being able to, to keep a clean car. And so I, I think that unraveling the shame is a very important process and that is one of the, the biggest things themes that we work on as people who support ADHDers. Because shame will always lead you to hide and avoid and procrastinate. Always.

Jackie MacDougall: I, and, and I used to use procrastination as like a badge of, you know, like a badge of humor. I’ll say. And I think ADHD can sometimes be a punchline. You know, I think people think it’s funny, like, oh, I have ADHD. We all believe that there’s an expert out there who can. If only I follow this person, if only I give money to this person. And like, I’m not talking a coach who actually works with you. I’m talking about all the books, right? The self help books, the planners. The planners, the tools like the brick that you mentioned. Amazing tool if you use it.

Kristen Carder: Right. That’s the thing with people with ADHD is we think that the solution is outside of ourselves.

Jackie MacDougall: Yes, Yes.

Kristen Carder: I just am here to remind you that the system is not the solution. There is no perfect system that is going to get rid of your ADHD. There is no perfect system that is going to help you feel whole. That is an inside job that’s inside of us, right? And so figuring that out, probably working with a professional is what is going to allow you to drop the shame. And shame lives in the darkness and it wants to keep everything in secret. And so part of it is, is being a part of a community, whether that’s a group of friends or group therapy or group coaching program where we can bring these things to light. Where you can just like in my community we were on slack for our like community because I didn’t want to do it on social media because obviously and when people just scroll through and kind of lurk and they’re like, oh my gosh, like I thought I was the only one. And that goes to what you were saying. Like we think we’re the only ones who struggle. We think we’re the only ones who don’t have our together. We think we’re the only one. We’re not the only ones. We’re not the only ones. There is no like mountaintop experience where we just get to like self actualize and everybody is perfect and everything is like wonderful. We are all just humans scraping our way through lives like trying to make a way for ourselves. There is no mountaintop that you get to. It’s just about everyday practicing self compassion, self, self acceptance and giving yourself the support that you need to be able to thrive. Whatever that might look like for you.

Jackie MacDougall: Being a grown ass woman sounds very similar to being an ADHD woman and that’s probably by design because you know, meaning what you say and saying what you mean and asking for what you need and communicating and setting boundaries and all of those things are extremely important. Like if, if you ask me on Monday if I want to hang out on Friday night, that sounds fantastic on Monday, but on Friday I would rather like stick needles in my eyes. And it’s not you, it’s not you. I want to spend time with you. Like I’ve discovered from myself that going for walks with girlfriends is much more interesting to me because we can talk and we can move.

Kristen Carder: Oh, I wish we were neighbors. I would go for a walk with you in a heartbeat.

Jackie MacDougall: Right? It’s just so rewarding. Just that movement and just that ability to talk and not just sit there and I don’t drink anymore, which, you know, we could have a whole conversation about ADHD drinking, which, and does that look like alcoholism and blah blah blah, all of that, So I want to throw like, kind of like a rapid fire. A couple of things that I do to help myself, some of my personal coping mechanisms, tips, whatever is. I have coined this thing. It’s called productive procrastination. And I have a list of, of tasks like, you know, there’s folding laundry and there’s preparing for taxes and things like that that, you know, maybe I don’t want to do, but when I have a work deadline, those are my favorite things to do. And so I have that list available to me at any time because if, like, if I’m on a deadline and it’s just too much and I’m like, it’s overwhelming and I just can’t get into the writing or whatever it is. I have these other things and I’ve discovered that moving my body, even if folding laundry, will allow me then to come back to the work and get that done after. So that’s what I’ve coined productive procrastination. Are you approving of this?

Kristen Carder: Absolutely. There’s actually a clinical term for it. Did you know this?

Jackie MacDougall: No, it’s.

Kristen Carder: I love your term. I think you should trademark it. It is called procrastivity.

Jackie MacDougall: Oh, that.

Kristen Carder: Okay. And it is from Dr. Russell Ramsey in his book Rethinking Adult ADHD. And he coined the term procrastinator to say exactly that.

Jackie MacDougall: Like. Oh, interesting.

Kristen Carder: Procrastivity is the merging of procrastination and productivity where you are procrastinating on the most important thing, but you’re being productive on the lesser. On the lesser important things. It’s perfect, right?

Jackie MacDougall: Yes. Okay. Okay. Excellent. I also try to follow the energy now so I know when I feel best. And if I try to. Like, I have a friend who was telling me it was 10 o’clock at night and she was just trying to force her work to happen. She’s. I’ve been doing this for so many hours. Like, if I hit that wall, I’m. I’m done. We’re not working anymore. So after my coffee and after my workout in the morning, I feel my best. So if there are things that I don’t want to do or that are hard to do, that’s when I schedule them in the day. Approve or disapprove?

Kristen Carder: Approved. A hundred percent.

Jackie MacDougall: Excellent. And then I give myself so much time, as we talked about, and lots of reminders with alarms and my family calendar is everything, it’s color coded. And so it’s interesting because I think I’ve taught them too that, that communication and communication, I mean, by putting something on the calendar, communication and setting that up and expectations and other people and like, what you need, I think saves me from so much stress. So we share cars in this family, but if it’s not on the calendar, then you have not communicated. I don’t even care if you verbally communicate it. It must be on the calendar so people can. We all have our stuff. Right. So we can look at it. So approve, approved. Stamp of approval. And so if someone’s tuning in now, what would be your like? I know you probably have so many tips, but what would be your number one?

Kristen Carder: Oh, my goodness. Why is this the hardest pressure? For me, that is a lot of pressure. My number one is allowing myself to ebb and flow with my capacity as somebody with ADHD. My capacity is not 100% every single day, and I no longer hold myself to a robotic, neurotypical standard of having the same amount of output every single day. So my productivity goes by the clock, not by what I’ve accomplished. So if it is 4 o’clock, I’m done with work. It does not matter because if I wasn’t able to get it done today, it was a lower capacity day. That just is what it is. But I’m not going to borrow from tomorrow’s capacity by forcing me to, forcing myself to overwork. So when 4 o’clock hits, it’s second shift. As you know, as a mom, right. I have three kids and we’re running all over the place. Yep. So 4 o’clock comes, it’s second shift. Work is done no matter what. I’m going to ebb and flow. I’m going to allow my days to ebb and flow within my capacity so that I’m not in the burnout cycle, which is like, you know, have a wave of motivation go so, so, so, so hard overwork. Because it feels so good. Because I’ve got, I’ve got the motivation go into capacity debt and not have anything for the next three days because of. I spent it all on the one day. So I think that for me has been the most impactful.

Jackie MacDougall: Yes. That’s so good. And finally, the listener. I can the, the multi hyphenate, right? I am. I’m guessing you might be. How did you go into this work and keep it, like, stay focused with this particular work for so many years at this point? Like, I mean, you have ADHD and you’re still doing this podcast regularly, coaching women regularly. How did you not blow up your life and start something different?

Kristen Carder: Oh, that is such a, a good question. Here’s the way that I look at it and this is what I teach my clients as well. I don’t cheat on my dreams with one night stand ideas. I don’t do it. So I’m in a very happy monogamous marriage and I know how good I have it. I’ve got it good. My man is fine. I’m not going to ruin that right by, by cheating on him with somebody who is also fine. Right. And I am the same way with my dreams. My goal is to help as many people with ADHD as possible. I know how good I have it in this job. I do. I just feel so privileged and so honored to be able to work with so many people all over the world. So I’m not going to cheat on my dreams with a one night stand. Good idea. Have good ideas come across my path? Yes. Do I get asked to do a lot? I’m so grateful. I, I, I do. I get asked to do a lot. I say no to everything because I, I know my purpose. I know that like what I am doing works. And until there is like an epiphany and a very clear transition, I’m just gonna stay the course because I, I really do know how good I have it. I just love doing what I do.

Jackie MacDougall: If you take nothing else from this series, take this. Whether you have ADHD or not, you are not broken and you don’t need fixing. What you need is understanding, compassion and this support to help you work with your unique brain. If you want to go deeper with Kristen, you’ll find all the links to her podcast, Instagram and website in the show notes. And if this series has helped you feel more seen, less ashamed and just a little bit more ground grown ass in how you take care of yourself. Yes, that was the point. Thanks for being here. I’m Jackie McDougall and this is the Grown Ass Woman’s Guide. Until next time. Remember, you are a grown ass woman. Act accordingly.